holmgrrl.net

I got my period shortly after my last post, and I felt better about twelve hours after that. It's hard to figure out what I want to do with that information. I know that there will be 48 hours of feeling angry and stranded by my body and circumstances, I know I will feel better and happier afterward, and I know that my diet and exercise routines can help minimize the length of time I feel those feelings. But they do not go away, and when they are here they are terrible headguests. They smoke and track in filth and make terrible suggestions when asked how they'd care to spend the day. This last time they suggested I put the cat to sleep and file for divorce, all expressed in layers of frustration and resentment I thought I'd buried out back.

Then I got my period and felt better, then very very tired, which is part of how it all works. Patrick came home and took over mornings with our little guy again and I slept in a tiny bit and took my vitamins and a couple of walks to the playground.

During my red week of recovery my cousin J's family imploded in horrible ways. I will only write what has appeared in the papers, plus what I know of her, which is not much. I've only reconnected with my family very recently, only on my mother's side, and only with those who are on FaceBook. I've enjoyed it because it's free of the weird energy I felt sometimes while visiting my grandparents as a child that compelled me to play with cousins I hadn't seen in years and wouldn't see again for years, when more often than not I just wanted to read a book or go swimming, and not be shouted at. Plus, as adults with families of our own we have a lot more in common than we did as children.

J still lives in Michigan, in the palm of the state. She has a blended family of biological and adopted children, most if not all of whom she adopted out foster care. She is three years younger than I am and works, runs, has a few hobbies, and cares for her big brood of seven kids, ranging in age from six to seventeen. Making a family even in the heteronormative "default" manner is difficult, but building one from so many places and circumstances that leave their members with broken bits and jagged edges takes guts and heart. Just a few weeks ago she took them all berry picking and came home with fifty pounds of blueberries, which says so much about her ability to create family.
I'm wrong about that last bit. Last week her son S attacked his three brothers and father, stabbing them and killing her oldest boy, sending the other two boys and her husband to different hospitals. I reached out to our cousins and our parents suggesting we try to collaborate across the internet and the miles to provide some support. J's older brother G provided a website and PayPal account so we could contribute toward funeral and medical expenses, or anything to give J some relief.

They had no life insurance for this boy who had just graduated high school and was planning on joining the Marines. If any of you could help my cousin Jessica out a bit, I'd be grateful. Thank you.